


This Could've Been The Threesome Episode

by inlovewithnight



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Episode Related, Other, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-29 09:42:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3891619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inlovewithnight/pseuds/inlovewithnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Majors is so cool, he can seduce two detectives at once.</p>
<p>(Or: how I wanted episode 2.21, "Det. Dave Majors," to go.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Could've Been The Threesome Episode

The problem with Dave Majors, besides everything, was that he was a really cool guy. Really, really cool. Ordinarily Jake would pinch himself really hard or bite his tongue or just smash his head against a wall or something until he talked himself out of thinking that hipsters were cool. But Dave Majors. Just. With the beard, and the speakeasy membership, and… everything. Jake couldn’t even bring himself to be mad.

Dave Majors, hipster detective, was the coolest guy Jake could think of.

He had to be careful not to mention that in front of Charles, or things got weird and they ended up doing like three weekends of brunch before Charles would calm down again. He had to be careful not to mention it in front of Rosa, too, because she would roll her eyes and say really cutting things that made Jake’s stomach hurt a little and the only way to fix it was by adding candy.

He could talk to Terry about it, luckily, because Terry thought Dave Majors was amazing, too.

“He’s never taken _me_ to the Keychain,” Terry said when Jake filled him in on his journey into the secret hipster kingdom. “That’s not fair. I want to go!”

“You have to go home at night and put your kids to bed,” Jake reminded him. “You can’t be running around to super-cool underground hangouts. You’re a _dad_.”

“Dads can be cool.”

Jake really wanted to argue his point, but Terry was making that face that meant it was time to let it go and add some more candy to his stomach. Besides, if he kept talking he would end up telling Terry about how Dave Majors wanted to ask Amy out, and then his stomach would hurt worse, and he’d add _more_ candy and that would turn out to be _too much_ candy and he’d have to either throw up or find a couch to lie on and moan for a while, and then Captain Holt would be annoyed, and…

Anyway, he went back to his desk and reviewed case notes. Like a good cop. He was really growing as a person lately, it was so weird.

**

He solved the case and Dave Majors even made sure he got credit for it, because Dave Majors was _a great guy_ in addition to being a cool one. Jake tried not to make anything weird, because it really was a big professional achievement and they all came out of it looking good. All three of them. Even taking into consideration that Amy _always_ looked good.

After it was all sorted and filed away, he sat at his desk, feeling his feelings and eating candy, picturing Dave leading Amy down the alley to the Keychain’s door, speaking the password, taking her inside for Milo the bartender to guess the perfect drink for her. It was awful. Too much to contemplate. Her perfect drink was probably something with an amazing name, like a _dark and stormy_ , or anything with tons of blue curacao in it, because that was the most fun thing to say in a bar in the whole world.

“Peralta,” came a voice from behind him, and Jake spun his chair all the way around, clutching his candy bar to his chest.

Dave Majors was standing there. Looking at him.

“Aren’t you supposed to be taking Amy out for a drink?” Jake asked.

“She’s getting a cab for us.” Dave Majors paused, his eyes going all soft and meaningful. Jake gripped the candy bar tighter, smearing chocolate across his shirt. 

“All three of us,” Dave Majors said.

Jake had absolutely no idea what was going on. “Huh?”

“I’d like to take both of you out for a drink, Peralta.”

Jake wished this world made any kind of logical sense. “But you can only bring one guest.”

“Yeah, you’ll have to walk in with my buddy Sven? But once we’re inside, he’ll leave you with me and Amy.”

“The three of us,” Jake said, just to be sure.

Dave Majors nodded, his eyes positively _soulful_ now. How did he do that? Maybe it was some kind of reflective effect from the beard.

“That’s really nice of you,” Jake said finally. “But I thought you were taking Amy on a date, not just congratulatory work drinks.”

“I am.”

“Then why am I there?”

Dave Majors smiled. It was a warm, lovely smile that crinkled at the edges. “I’m taking you on a date, too.”

**

Jake had never done this before.

From the startlingly calm and self-assured way Amy was putting back tequila, she had. Which did not fit at all with the view Jake had of her, and anything that shook his worldview that hard was not something he should be dealing with on a day when he’d eaten one doughnut, four candy bars, a single piece of shrimp he’d taken from Scully’s lunch before he realized it was Scully’s lunch, and the empty Blue Dolphin Martini in front of him, glass still sweet with curacao.

“A threesome,” Jake said cautiously, wanting to be absolutely sure he understood this correctly before anything else happened to make the night weirder.

Dave Majors nodded. “Yeah. You know how that works, right?”

“Of course I know how that works. I’ve seen many sex tapes.” Jake pointed at Amy. “But _she_ has not, or at least she’s not supposed to have.”

Amy shrugged. “I can find things on the Internet, too, Jake.”

“This is very upsetting for me,” Jake said quietly to Dave Majors. “May I have another one of these martinis?”

Dave Majors patted him on the arm. “You can have as many as you want. It’ll all go on my account with the place. Just like in a real speakeasy.”

“You’re so cool,” Jake said helplessly. “How can I be more like you?”

Dave Majors got a faraway look in his eyes. “I don’t know. It takes a lot of experiences to shape a man.”

Amy took another drink and shuddered. “It takes a lot of Harry Potter fanfiction to figure out threesome choreography.”

Dave Majors smiled at the waitress and nodded at Jake. “He’ll have another.”

Jake shook his head. “I’ll have three.”

**

Dave Majors had very gentle hands. The beard was surprisingly soft, too. Well-groomed. Maybe he used conditioner on it or something, it was hard to tell in the middle of things, because Jake’s head was spinning a lot, and there were mouths on him in two places at once, and hands, and it was exciting.

Amy also had very gentle hands, and soft hair, and sharp little teeth like a rabbit.

Dave Majors lived in a loft, and had hand-milled cotton bedding, and played the mandolin for them before they all fell asleep.

Amy nestled down between them, her head on Jake’s shoulder and Dave Majors’ arm over her waist, and it was really, really nice, the kind of nice that Jake was pretty sure he wasn’t allowed to have. Except here it was. The three of them. Together.

He had no idea how he was going to keep this a secret from Charles. Or the Sarge. Or _Gina_ , oh noooooooo.

“Caught in a hipster den of sin,” he whispered to the loft. “Please don’t let that be the name of my sex tape.”


End file.
